Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.