@zero3_benz: FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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@pixelatedboat: You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I've got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
@electrolemon: "It's Adam and Eve, not Adamant Eve!" Despite his clever wordplay, Eve stands her ground. " I'm not doing butt stuff, Adam."
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.