FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?