FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
They got a point!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*