FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?