Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
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A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
#Caturday
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Boom, boom, ching!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food