Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Me, flirting😏
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated