Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?