Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
You Might Also Like
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!