Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
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I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My inexpensive home security system…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.