Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Every time my phone rings
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda