Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
some Old Testament wisdom
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.