Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.