FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars