Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Ah yes. The three genders
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…