@LaetPO: Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.
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@moose_chocolate: A coworker told me she was "catching up on her correspondence" so apparently it's 1932 here at my workplace.
@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
@SondraDeeMe: [home] FRIEND: How'd family dinner go? ME: Huge mess to clean. F: It's spotless! M: *sprays luminol* You'd never know they were even here.
@Mickey_McCauley: Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"