Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal