Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
🙀🙀🙀😹
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.