Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
drew a comic about my origin story
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.