When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Why is everyone getting married at me
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: