FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”