“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣