Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.