Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.