[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You Might Also Like
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
pizza
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
How do dragons blow out candles?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow