@Goldishocks: Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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@LoveYoorFate: When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now.
@TommyWallace: [Dad jokes anonymous] "...and I'm clean 30 days" Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I'M DAD "DAMN IT, JERRY!"
@RBColl: [spelling bee] Teacher: Your word is indictment. Me: Can you use that in a sentence? Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.