@Goldishocks: Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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@Scdavis24: They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.
@k_lli: If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god.
@Ristolable: The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
@AaronFullerton: If you zoom out during the opening credits of "Friends," you'll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.