Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
can’t talk my ride’s here
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this