*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
U talkin 2 me?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.