@robdelaney: Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: [deathbed] Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics? -Just face, Dad. She's very modest She's. A. Dude. *flatlines*
@SomeChrisTweets: *ding* This is your captain speaking. We... Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
@2tickytacky: When someone yells "Fire!" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep