Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Not today
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”