Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.