[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????