Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.