[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Check out the legs on this baby
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret