[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.