[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.