[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
This checks out
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.