*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Bill is short for Billiam
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do