[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Watermelon Boss!
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters