Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room