@DickScurvy: Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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@PeaceInTruth1: Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
@topaz_kell: Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like not being allowed to leave the table until you finish your brussels sprouts.
@E_lok44: Pro tip: If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you "shhh" someone.