Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?