[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m going to need a moment here.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.