[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
and now we wait
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.