(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
blocked.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
look at me when i’m typing to you
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
2 years later
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.