[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
#parenting
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?