Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red