Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
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Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
TRAIN’S HERE
Cheers Twitter.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa