FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol