Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on