Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap