@JasonLastname: Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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@crushingbort: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
@Amburglar_: Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on "Pitch Perfect" then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
@MisterBombay: If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing
@SMLXist: What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon