Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.