[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴