Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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Why does laundry happen to good people?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.